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My Strength Is Beyond Me Part 4

I couldn't wait to get ready to pick up my babies, no matter how old they are they will always be my babies. Although my anxiety was kicked up to high gear because of having to be near him, took deep long breaths to calm myself. There father and I met at our boy's elementary school, which made things a heck of a lot easier. He wanted to stay to chat but that's not what our agreement was, if it's not regarding our children then there was nothing more to discuss. He then yells while I'm walking away with our daughter back to my aunts, "Where are you staying, you know I have the right to know the address of where my kids are living!" No he doesn't, it's just his excuse to follow me and see whom we are living with, still trying to do all that he can for that control. I simply said to him, "All you need to know is that we are staying with my aunt, you don't need to know her address, as long as you know where they are going to school that's it, that is all you need to know." He went on calling me a crazy ass bitch, he was pissed that I still refused give him her address. "You're gonna end up behind bars, that's where you need to be since you're acting like a crazy ass nut job still, and you shouldn't be left alone with my kids," he yelled at me. I continued to walk away from him, I had nothing more to say, and if I were to respond back to his ignorance it wouldn't have been nice. It was pointless to even do. Not hearing from him during the week up until the day that Friday, making up another excuse on why he cannot pick them up that day...nope it wasn't a surprise at all. So then the next morning, he wanted to pick our children up, it was Saturday morning. With not having anything planned for us (my little ones and I), didn't really have a choice but to meet up with him. Getting everyone ready, I can see a little difference in my boys faces, something was off yet I couldn't figure it out. When asking if they were all right, they would tell me that they're okay. Giving them big tight hugs, telling them how much I love them and that everything is going to be just fine. That's all I knew what to say right then and there. Had each of their backpacks filled with their belongings, it was time to start walking towards their school. Playing their little game "Don't step on a crack," they were having so much fun watching me try while pushing the stroller. Making them smile is always the best thing to do, you can really see their innocence shine. As soon as they saw their father standing there at their school, they grabbed my hands and held on tightly...they've never done that before. It was making me unsure of their reasons because they haven't told me anything. Giving each of them more hugs and kissing, then telling them that I love them and will see them on Monday morning, our oldest said "okay," and our middle son would only keep his head down, he looked so sad. Our daughter, you can tell in her tiny face she wasn't sure about what's going on, she was only one years old. Every time she saw me walk away, she would cry...that was always hard to hear. When Monday arrived, there I was waiting up at their school and yet he was not there. I went to the office to see if our boys were there and yet they have not arrived just yet. I was beginning to panic. Calling his phone and yet went straight to his voice message, sent him a text asking him if he's running late, yet still not response. I was freaking out, I called my boyfriend to let him know what's going on, he could barley understand me because I could calm down. Tears were pouring down my face uncontrollably, with my boyfriend asking if I'm all right, that made me cry even more. No I was not all right, I had no idea if he took off with our children. While on the phone with him, their father finally was calling. Telling my boyfriend that I'll call him back and let him know what he says, I was so nervous to hear what their father was about to say. "I don't feel like taking them to school today, they need to spend more time hanging out with me, you can pick them up at my motel room later when they wake up," he says. "You can't just choose to not take them to school, it's part of life, "I said to him. He started once again talking out of his ass with calling me a nut job, psycho bitch, and once again calling me a dead beat. I've decided to call the school back to let him know what their father told me, that he doesn't feel like taking them to school and that I can pick them up later. The principle at their school told me that they will document this, and since I gave them his number and motel number they will give him a call and let me know what they find out. So the school counselor did just that, and apparently he told her the same thing, that he didn't feel like taking them, and that I am crazy for not allowing him to have more time with his kids. She went on letting him know that the next time this happens, he will be in trouble for truancy. He did not like that at all and told her that I am always trying to set him up for something then hung up on her. He called me back letting me know that I don't need my lame ass friends calling him for some fake ass bullshit, saying that for wanting to spend time with his kids id not considered truant and how I need to let him be and move on. Before hanging up on me he told me to pick up his kids then again calling me a stupid ass psycho bitch. Have I been recording everything, you wonder? Yes I have, and even with the conversation with the principle and counselor, I tell them that I am recording my phone conversations so they knew, same with their father, let him know all calls are being recorded, obviously he didn't believe I knew how to do that. Saved everything. I called my boyfriend to let him know everything, and that he wants me to pick our children up at his motel room. My boyfriend told me to let him know when I made it there, and to call him after picking up the kiddos, then told me to be careful. Aww, he's such a sweetheart, isn't he? I was even more nervous now that I had to go to his motel room to pick our children up. I was becoming so nervous to the point where I was feeling nauseous, did not want to go there when that wasn't the agreement. Felt like this was a trap, had to jump on two city buses and walk a bit to get to his motel, he was staying in the same motel our children and I were. Scared me big time because he knows where my boyfriend works. Walking up the stairs to this motel, looking for his room number, my anxiety was kicking back up, can feel it being hard to even breath. "Please help me get through this," I prayed. Knocking on his door, I was hoping this was going to be smooth without drama. He wanted me to come inside, I kept telling him "no," he was not liking that. I told him that I'll stay outside his door while waiting for our children to get ready so we can go, he then begged for me to come inside, "come on just get in here,, you know you want too, just come inside and sit for a while, I can have them all go into the bathroom so you can hop on my dick," he said. Again telling him that "I'm good, just want to leave as soon as possible and get our boys to school." Then the name calling begins, bad mothing me to our children, I can see the worry in their eyes, our middle child even started to cry. Our oldest was rushing to grab all of their belongings, I told him to not worry about it, that we have lots of stuff at my aunts home. Their father didn't like me saying that either, but I would not respond to his stupidity. As soon as everyone was ready to go, he begs one last time, "Come on, I need some of you, I miss you, just give me what I'm asking for." I refused to respond, as I knelt down to tie our oldest shoes, he grabbed my ass, I snapped then. "Don't you ever touch me you asshole, keep your fucking hands off me!" He yelled back " You must be on crack, I'm calling the cops on your strung out ass you crazy whore, get the fuck away from me you dumb bitch!" As soon as we were walking, I called my boyfriend letting him know what had just happened and what he kept asking me to do, my boyfriend was pissed. Not at me but at him for putting the kiddos and I through this bullshit. He asked if I were all right and that he's so sorry for this happening. He had to get off the phone to get back to work but said he will see me later to check up on us. I kept apologizing to my children for their father's behavior, held them in my arms while waiting for the bus to arrive. Felt like hours had passed on by when in reality it was only minutes. With riding bus after bus just to get to and from, I know it was hard on them. Called their school to let them know we were on our way, the principle told me to have them take the day off because she knew they had a long day already. That day, my aunt bought some chalk, water balloons, and bubbles for them to mess around with to help calm them down. They were having so much fun, and that's just what they needed. Children should not have to go through this kind of stuff, they should not have to witness or be apart of. It takes their innocence away from them. When it was just about bed time for all of them, I would read them a bed time story and then sing them this song in Spanish called "Cielito Lindo." Not even sure where I've heard that song, maybe my grandmother sang it to my brothers and I when were were very little. To this day I still sing this from time to time. it always seemed to put them at ease too. Watching them sleep, they always look so sweet and peaceful, all slept in the same room. I didn't dare to wake my little girl up to move her into our room. Once you wake her up she will not go back to sleep easily. Went back out to the living room talking with my aunt, her and I were drinking Mike's Hard Lemonades, man those are so good! Laughing at whatever it was we were talking about, she ended going to bed and then I heading to my room to grab my phone. Wanted to hear my boyfriends voice, so I called him, can tell he was already asleep. His sleepy voice sounded so sexy and apparently turned me on, I started talking dirty, he asked me where my children were and I told him in their room asleep. "What a way to keep me turned on huh?" I said to him, lol. I continued talking dirty to him, he asked me where are my hands, I said one is holding the phone and the other is rubbing my kitty cat. He was laughing and then started listening intently while I was moaning. It didn't last long, as soon as I finished getting myself off, he thanked me and said he will call me tomorrow. Sleeping off my alcohol intake, have to admit that I slept like a baby and woke up feeling so refreshed. Waking up to seeing all my children laying next to me in the bed, guess they woke up in the middle of the night and needed mama. Love it when they do that. Getting myself ready before they wake up, made their breakfast so their belly's are nice and full. Plus making lunches for school and snacks for after school. I never pack light when I'm out with my baby girl, always have extra set of clothes, diapers, wipes, food, snacks, toys, butt cream, lotion and a couple blankets, one this one and one thick blanket. You never can be too sure about how the weather will be that day. I carried a backpack, used it like a purse so it have everything I needed inside it. Normally while my boys were in school, I would take my daughter to the park to burn some energy, and to simply just have fun. While heading to to take her to have some fun, I get a phone call from the school, letting me know that this will have to be the last week for my second oldest to attend there. Since they do not have a special education class at their school, he will need to go to another. I was frustrated big time, when I asked if both can attend the same school, the principle told me that they only have room for one more child so that answered my question. I was hoping that this other school wouldn't be too far from their original school, yet I was wrong. Thursday I was given the address to this other elementary school, a meeting was set up and had to get there on time. I figured that with my aunt allowing me to use her car to get to and from places, it was going to be an easy task. I let my aunt know about having to take my second oldest to a different school and that I had to make it to this meeting on time. She told me not to worry about it, just take her car and her boyfriend will take her to work that day, I'll just have to pick her up which was not problem. She ended taking that Thursday off, she said that she didn't feel comfortable with me driving her car, "I'll take you there, after this you will have to figure your own way around," she told me. She allowed me to drive it a few times...not sure what changed. I asked, "I thought you said that if I needed to borrow your car, as long as I put gas in it then it wouldn't be a problem?" She gave me this attitude and said, "look it should be more than enough that I am allowing you and your kids to stay in my house, stop being so goddamn selfish, they are your kids so you figure it out!" I became silent after this conversation, thinking "what the hell am I going to do now? How am going to get both to school on time?" During the meeting, I let them know that I have no vehicle of my own, so my son will be late everyday because my other son has to start school at 8:30 which cannot be on the school property until 8:15am. The next bus doesn't arrive in that area until 8;45am, will have to go to the bus station to wait for the other bus to get me close to this school, and that won't arrive until 9:30am. By the time we even make it to the street of the school, he's going to be an hour and a half late each day. And that is only if every bus runs on time, so I asked again if both of my boys can attend so it will be easier on them and myself. "We have no more room for the first grade class, he will have to remain where is is now," the staff told me. "it will only be one more child in the classroom, if both were attend here then there will be no worry about showing up late," I said. Still they told me the same thing, there was no extra room to add another child. This meeting was an hour long, I already had enough, all I'm thinking about it now having to rush my children to get ready, and practically make them walk fast so we can make it to the bus on time. The other concern of mine was about their father, will it be another day where he decides to not take them to school, will he make it difficult again? The games he like to play for no damn reason, only because he's miserable and wants everyone to feel the same. I just for once for everything to run smoothly. After the meeting, my aunts car was not in the parking lot, thinking or maybe hoping that she just drove around to pass time. So I waited for over an hour before calling her, when I did she told me to either walk home of figure out the bus route. I wanted to cry, because this was stressing me out even more. Holding it as best as I could together, walking back towards where the bus stops would be, there the three of us sat to wait for the next bus. Had to take my second oldest so he can get the tour of the school and meet his teacher. It was so hot this day and didn't bring enough water for all of us, so they both shared my water from my water bottle. My little boy asked me if we are going to be okay, "of course we will, let mommy worry about these things, I will make sure we are going to be all right," I told him. Honestly, I really didn't know what was coming next, my aunt is becoming so unpredictable, and their father won't stop playing these childish games. All I wanted was a bit of stability, so I can save as much money as possible to get a place of our own. With using all of my food stamps to help buy food for my aunts home, with donating plasma still, I was giving all of that to help my aunt out, so it's not like I'm not doing my part. Still, my children and I would go to the Salvation Army to get clothes and necessities. Thought for once, things would start looking up for us, without so much stress. I didn't drink every night, it was more of a twice a week kind of thing, didn't want my children to see me drunk all of the time. As we were riding on the bus back to the station to wait for the second bus to head towards my aunts, both my son and daughter fell asleep in my arms. really wasn't sure if we should go straight to my aunts house or just wonder around...believe from this moment forward, asking to drive her car was not going to happen again. I'll still help with food and whatnot, but that's about it. With trusting her to babysit for me when an interview comes up, or when I do start working, left me with so much uncertainty. Don't even know really what to do now. We ended going back to the house, made some ice water for my little ones, they watched a movie in the living room, while I tried thinking about what to do next. Being out of ideas worried me, really had no where else to go. My aunt was not home, but I did tell myself to let what happened go and not to cause any more drama. Pretend to act like nothing happened, maybe she will apologize for leaving us at that school. Maybe, right? It was time to pick my oldest boy up from school, while waiting for him to run out from the building, the three of us were playing around. Then here comes my oldest running out with this big smile on his face, he was excited to see us. Heading on back to the house, chatting away my two boys were doing, they missed one another big time. It was so cute listening to them telling jokes and laughing, my little girl was smiling away while listening to her brothers. My aunt happened to be home now, and she was in a good mood. Had music playing, she was making nachos for dinner, and made a carrot cake for desert. I didn't dare to asked what was all of this for, the only thing I asked was if she needed help. She yelled at me telling me to get out of the kitchen and stop acting like a slow ass girl. Ugh, still don't even know what's going on. My boyfriend called me later that evening, we talked for about a half hour, my aunt was yelling in the background at my children. So I had to get off the phone to check to see what happened. My two boys were in tears, when I asked my aunt what's going on, she's pissed because they dug a hole and poured water in it to make mud pies. Umm, that's a normal thing children like to do, and this hole wasn't a big hole it was about two inches deep and three inches wide. I ended covering the hole up and had them apologize to her, she didn't want to hear it, told all of us to get out of her face. I put on a movie in my room for them and went to see what's going on with my aunt. She wouldn't stop yelling, when I asked what's going on, hell was about to break loose. She got in my face, threw beans at me calling me a stupid selfish bitch, she told me that she wished I hadn't came into her home, yeah things were about to become even worse for us. She smelt like alcohol too, her boyfriend was even drunk and yelling in my face too, "what the hell did I even do!" I asked. "Let's stop playing dumb, you know damn well what you have done!" Her boyfriend yelled. "No, I really don't know what's going on," I said. Both telling me to get out their faces and will call me when dinner's ready, "You shouldn't be allowed to even eat our food since you want to act so damn selfish, you don't even help out with anything and make us do it all for you," my aunt said to me. "Umm I use all of my food stamps to buy food for this house plus give you all the money I get from donating plasma, how am I not helping out, how am I being selfish when I am doing what I can?" I told her. She just slammed my bedroom door and then called me a bitch. This aunt is not by blood, she's only a close friend to my real father, I've known her for some years which is what I called her my aunt. While all four of us were in my room, I was crying and telling my children how sorry I really am for all of this, telling them that this is not what I wanted for them. My oldest told me that it is not my fault and that we will be okay as long as we are together. Aww, my sweet big boy. For some reason while eating dinner, everything was calm, oddly calm. My aunt and her boyfriend were asking about our day, how the food was, they were joking and making my children laugh. I was on edge, yet kept calm, something just was not right about this day. I remained quiet while eating dinner. Faking a smile so they wouldn't assume something was up with me, I'm good and forcing smiles, done that for years. It's not a good thing to do because no one could tell there was something going on. I didn't eat the desert, my children have though, after they were finished my boys took their shower and then afterwards my daughter and I jumped in once they were out. I had all of them stay in the room with me that night, that way I can keep an eye one them. While we were cuddled up on the bed, getting ready for me to read to them, my aunt starts back up, "You son of a bitch, why did you tell him were we live? You really fucked up now little girl, you and the kids need to leave, I told you to never tell him my address and yet you have! Get out, pack up and I want you all gone now!" "I never gave out your address, so what are you talking about, has he shown up at your house or something?" I said. It just went on and on, her throwing stuff at me, screaming at me to get up and be gone for good, then she blamed my children for telling their father where she lives. My boys would not even think about doing something like that so stop making stuff up!" I told her. She then grabbed my face hard, yelling at me, calling me all kinds of names, telling me that I shouldn't even be allowed to have kids because I'm so ignorant. I called my boyfriend for help, while I'm on the phone with him both my aunt and her boyfriend were still yelling at me and my children. "She's kicking us out, making up some lie about my children and I telling their father her address, when he's never even came to her house, not once," I told him. It was late and my boyfriend was already asleep, I felt so bad for putting him in this situation. "I'm on my way babe, try to get what you can ready for me to pick you guys up," he said to me. While waiting for my boyfriend to come and get us, I had my children stay on the bed while I pack everything up once again. I was crying, no matter how hard I tried keeping it together, my aunt was making it difficult. My three little ones were crying too, I asked if they told their father her address just to make sure, both boys told me that they didn't. I believed them, my aunt and her boyfriend made this up to make us leave. While I was almost done packing, here comes my aunt once again, "I'm sorry, I don't mean any of this please forgive me and stay, I'm so sorry." "It's too late, my boyfriend is on his way and after this you will never see us again, my children and I have been through enough already and this is not what we need in our lives anymore. Thank you for dinner and cake, thank you for opening you home up to us, but we can't keep going through this," I told her. My boyfriend came up to the door, my aunt let him in, he helped gather our belongings and put them into his car. He told me to wait outside with my children while he get's our stuff, my second oldest was still inside looking for his lunch pal. My aunts boyfriend shoved my boy out the door, yelling at him to stay out, my boyfriend snapped. He got into her boyfriends face, telling him to keep his hands on my child, he was pissed. I've never seen him so upset before, yet I was so thrilled that he was standing up for my children. After gather all of our stuff, my boyfriend gave me this tight hug and very warm kiss, "I love you so much babe." That was the first time he's said that to me, of course I've said it back, been wanting to say it for some time now. Since his roommate was still living at his apartment, we couldn't go there. So he took us to a hotel, much more decent than the motel we were in, he paid for two weeks for us. Helping us getting settled, even went to the convenient store near this hotel to get some snacks and cereal for us, that way the can have something to eat in the morning. He then told my children "goodnight, I will see you guys tomorrow after work." Gave me a kiss, then told me that he's sorry for us going through this, "get some sleep, I'll be back tomorrow, I love you," he says to me. "I love you too my love, thank you for doing this for us." Getting my children all settled once again and down to bed, I laid awake that night. Listening to all three of them sleeping away, I prayed all night for help, crying, pleading, and then thanking Him for sending us an Angel (my boyfriend).

To Be Continued...

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