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My Strength Is Beyond Me Part 3

Not hearing from my ex in a few weeks, it was more or a concern really. Normally when I don't hear from him, things go south. When he finally contacted me, asking if we could meet up at our boys elementary school so he can have them for the weekend. I was hesitant to say "yes" yet I knew I had no other choice. If I had said that he couldn't see our children, then he could come after me for that. Calling the courthouse to check the status on the divorce documents. Again, being told that it's in the process and will take some tike for an attorney to take a pro-bono case. Wishing that the divorce would go quickly, just was not happening that way. Well, with agreeing for my children to spend the weekend with their father, my heart was beating rapidly. I was scared to see him, sure our children were as well. Letting my aunt know that my children were going to stay with their father over the weekend and that we are meeting up at their school so she would worry about him showing up at her home. I could tell she was just are nervous as I was, but understood the parental right rules. Always made sure to show up at their school twenty minutes early, made it for a nice walk with my little girl. Their school ended at 2:30 pm everyday, while waiting for their father to show we played at their playground to pass time. It was nearing 3:30, he still hadn't shown up, sending him a text message asking if he was on his way yet no response from him. Tried calling and left a message since he did not answer, telling him we will wait at the school for thirty more minutes and then head back home. So we did just that, he never showed up and never got back in touch either. Days later he asked to meet up again, which I already made plans with my family to head to Tahoe for a won't return back in town until the next morning. Which, if he had listened to my voice message he would have known that. Recording all phone calls to back me up, just in case he says that he had no idea our children were going out of town. I've done my research to understand parental rights rules, even though I knew all about the rights way before hand, still wanted to be safe. Meeting up with him and then never showing up, he's done that eight times. I kept a paper trail, printed out his text messages, and writing down every time we made an agreement he never stuck with it. Not a surprise really to me, because he was never really involved with our children, only if it were benefiting him as in using them as a babe magnet. You can only imagine how many times he has used our children to pick up women, and these are young ladies too about 18 years old as a matter of fact. He's a year older than I am, just saying. making these girls believe that I'm a dead beat crazy ass mother and he needs a real woman to help care for his kids. How I know this is because one of the girls he was seeing came up to my job several times, following me around, when I got off work she followed me on the bus. I kept my headphones on, to drown out the drama he was causing, yet she still would not leave me alone. While listening to my music up high, she was still yelling at me, since I was not responding to her she then got up and ripped my headphones right off of me. Pissed me off big time! Telling her to leave me the hell alone, put my headphones back on, and moved towards the middle of the bus. She followed me and sat right behind me, trying to keep my cool was very difficult, this girl is going to make me snap if she touches me again. Leaning to put this ultrasound picture in my face, again trying to pull my headphones off me. Ugh, I cannot even count how many times the girls he was seeing came up to me letting me know they were pregnant by him. No matter how many times I told this girl to leave me alone, that she can have him cause I sure in the hell do not. She wasn't getting the fact that I did not give a rats ass about her and him. Maybe she did and was hating the fact that I didn't care, she couldn't get the reaction she was hoping for out of me. The bus driver ended pulling over yelling at us, telling both her and I to get off the bus, The people on the bus backed me up telling him that I was not causing any issue, that she was and wouldn't leave me alone. The bus driver did not care, he was not going to continue driving until we were off. Being miles away from our then apartment, I had to walk home, now this was during the summer time. She was still getting in my face, pushing me then once again she ripped my headphone off my head...I warned her and punched her so hard in the chest. Before walking away I told her "good luck with him, you are not the first girl ." She fell to her knees crying in pain, no I didn't break any of her bones nor was that my plan. I really was trying my hardest to not give in to her stupidity, but she wouldn't stop. Never saw that girl again. The reason why I am calling her a girl is only because real women do not act this way, at least I wouldn't.

Back to what I was talking about...he was very upset that we were going out of town for the day, he wanted to know who was all going to be around the kids and I, if I were going to drink, and whatnot. Telling him that it's not his business to know what I am doing and whose around, that I am not longer his to worry about not that I ever was. He became very upset and once again flooding my phone with all kinds of insane messages. Reminding me how I will always be his property and that I need to stop being strung out on drugs and think about his relationship with his kids. He said that he was going to have the police come after me because I'm out of my mind and shouldn't have the kids. Since I was not responding to any of his messages, that ticked him off even more. Saying that he will go to my boyfriends job to let him know how insane I really am, that I will always be the victim because that's the only role I know how to play. telling me how he will get his license plate to give it to the cops so they can track me on my whereabouts to lock me up. "Attempting to kidnap our kids will land my in prison for life, give the kids up and I will leave you and your lame ass man alone. you know you are only with him because you will never get a man like me!" Constantly threatening to take our children away from me, reminding me that he is always watching me and so are his friends, so I won't be able to escape him willingly. Making sure that I realize I will always belong to him, no one will be able to have me because I'm his. No matter where I work, where I decide to travel too, he will always be watching me and recording mine and my boyfriends every move. Yes, he was still making me live in fear. Heading back into town, I couldn't believe how nervous I was becoming, ended having a panic attack too, so my aunt had to pull over to get me some air. She pulled me out of the car, telling me to take deep breaths, and that everything will be all right. Falling apart, I couldn't stop crying, had this feeling something bad was about to happen. Hated feeling that way...days went on and not a word from him. In a way I was feeling relieved, turning in application after application, Was not wasting any time getting a job, with having reliable babysitting I had nothing to worry about. My aunt told me not to work graveyard hours because she works in the mornings to early afternoon. I respected her request, so I made sure to not put open availability on my applications. After a week, I still have not heard from him, didn't feel nervous taking my boys to school or taking my daughter for a stroll around my aunts neighborhood. On a Wednesday morning, I asked my aunt if she could babysit my daughter for an hour to two at most, wanted to check on my WinCo application in person and this bar. She didn't mind at all and told me that it's a great idea checking on my apps in person. WinCo had of been about thirty minutes away from her house, not a bad drive though. I went to check on my application at this pizza bar place first, since I needed to get some grocery's for her figured that was a smart thing to do. "Kill two birds with one stone." The manager at the bar was not in until noon, so headed to WinCo. As soon as I made it to WinCo, parked and walking inside the store, my aunt calls crying. She lost my daughter and can't find her anywhere, said she has her neighbors keeping an eye out for her too. I quickly ran out of the store and back to her car, drove like a mad woman to look for my daughter. I was freaked out big time, wondering if he found her while she was wondering around, will he even tell me that he has her? The way his mind is, I doubt he would have told me. I drove down the street towards my boys school, and there she was, I quickly pulled over and called her name. Running toward me crying, my poor baby girl was looking for me. Holding her in my arms crying with her, letting her know it's okay and to never ever leave the house alone again. We went back to my aunts house, she felt so bad and apologized repeatedly. I told her that it happens and to not beat yourself up for it, although I was upset about it, I understood that things do happen. heading back to WinCo, taking my daughter with me so I wouldn't have to worry. Gosh, if that same thing happened twice in one day, I probably would have lost it. We finished grocery shopping and she was ready for her nap. My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot during this time, he even came over to my aunts to hang out with us. Making out in her living room, ah he's such an amazing kisser. The way he would run his fingers through my hair while we kiss, and his hands ran over my breasts, he knew what he was doing for sure. My aunt came out from her garage wondering why we're not hanging out with her and her boyfriend, lol well because he wanted to get lucky. Heck, so did I, we haven't had sex yet, only kissing and him filling me up. He didn't stay long because he works very early in the morning, so he needed to head home to rest. After my children went to bed, I stayed up with my aunt and her boyfriend. talking about if we have done it yet, and were surprised we have not. My aunt told me to let him know that I can come over to his place for a few hours so we can have some alone time. the next night we sure did, he was so sweet and can tell he was nervous about our first time together. I was too, holding hands while heading to his apartment, when we arrived my nerves were getting the best of me. He lived on the second floor, his apartment wasn't bad looking, two bedroom two bath, it was definitely a heck of a lot better than what my children and I were living in. We had to be quiet because his roommate was sleeping in the other room. Kissing in the living room, we were slowly making our way to his bedroom. We were really making out now, as he laid me down on his bed, his gentle hands were slowly taking my clothes off. Then he went down on me, I've never allowed anyone to do this and didn't want to stop him, he was making me feel so good. He had me exploding back to back, moaning louder each time. Can tell, he had a lot of practice devouring his women, ah I was loving this feeling. Without wasting time taking his clothes off, made his way on top of me. He was making me feel something that I have never felt before, this was my very first time enjoying sex. he was really loving me, kissing me while thrusting inside, such a wonderful feeling. Ending switching places, with me on top of him, trying to keep a slow pace yet it wasn't working out that way. the way he grabbed my hips to go in deeper, I was becoming soaked, my body started trembling, this is something that has never happened to me before, unless I took care of myself on my own, but we will get into that later. He was almost there, I can feel his member pulsating while inside me, his moans were becoming louder as well. When came together, somehow I ended screaming "Oh god!" Words I've never said when in the heat of passion, for some reason when he let me know he's cumming, it turned me on even more and made me explode from the inside out. Feeling so relaxed, believe I even shed some tears, why am I crying? He made me that relaxed where I had no control over the tears. Asking is I was all right, thinking he was too rough with me, he didn't hurt me at all, "I don't even know why I'm crying," I told him. Then you could see that he was proud of himself, for never making his gal cry after sex. Lol. I was pretty weak afterwards too, couldn't even feel my legs. We laid in his bed talking away while I laid in his arms, knowing I had to return back to my aunts home, didn't like the "hit it and quit it," feeling. Even though that was not the case between us at all, having to rush to get my clothes back on and same for him so he could take me back. As we've pulled up to my aunts home, he opened the passenger side door for me, and gave me another long amazing kiss when I got out. Walking to the front door, with another sweet kiss, he then told me that he will call me when he makes it back home which he did. Talking for forty five minutes and then finally it was time for both of us to rest. Believe I slept like a baby that night too, haven't slept like that in a very long time. The next morning, my aunt and I were making breakfast, she wanted to know how the night went. Not giving all the details but did let her know how he made me feel afterwards, I remember her exact words, "Oh yeah you have a keeper, don't let him go." Letting him go was not even something I thought about, he has no children of his own but wanted a family. Well, he had all of that with me, an already made family. With not having to worry if I'm going to hear from him again was nothing to be concerned about. He always sends messages when he made it to work to tell me good morning and we would talk throughout the day too. One conversation, he asked if I would like to go out of town with him to do some site seeing, he asked if it would be okay to have my children join us as well. So a family first date it was. Again, before leaving town, days a head of time I sent a text to their father letting him know were going out of town for a couple days, I said to Lake Tahoe because I thought that was where we were going. It was even better than going to Tahoe, He took us to Virginia City, in Nevada. The drive there was a beautiful ride, my children were so excited to go on a little trip. It being such an historic little town, been around since the 1800's. The stores, museums, church's, schools, and even the graveyard were all absolutely breathtaking. He took us on this train ride, we saw mines were gold and silver were found, along the ride we even got to see wild horses. After the ride, he took us to the gift shop, bought each of my children train whistles, and a cute bear for me. Walked around the town checking everything out, then everyone was getting hungry so we went to this restaurant unfortunately I cannot recall the name of it. My children all wanted burgers, fries and macaroni, while we ordered steaks with baked potatoes and a salad. Don't let me forget the side of oysters, lol. When our waitress asked me if I would like mashed our baked...you could see my misunderstanding, lol. I almost spit out my beer and asked her is she said what I think she said, "Masturbate?" My boyfriend laughed, my children looked so confused, and even our waitress laughed too. She then told my boyfriend that he already has this date in the bag. Lol. He responded "yeah I guess so," with more laughing. Hey, at least this made our first date perfect, right? He called me a dork and said "that was perfect." Walking around some more, going from shop to shop, then asked me if we would like to stay the night in Virginia City. Had to call my aunt to let her know that he would like for us to spend the night and will return home in the late afternoon. She was so trilled, and told me to be safe and have a lot of fun. Taking us to the beautiful hotel, for one night I know it had to of cost a pretty penny, especially being short notice and all. We had to wait for an hour or so before we were able to check it, so we've decided to do some more exploring. My daughter fell asleep in her stroller as usual, he and I took turns pushing her around. With his camera, taking so many pictures of us, with seeing how fascinated with my children and I, really warmed my heart. Seeing each of my children smiling and laughing away, they were happy little youngsters and I loved it. For him being the first man to show me such respect and love, it was all new to me. It took me a while to even get use to the fact that there are good men still in this crazy cruel world. The way he interacted with my children was unbelievable, my oldest son was a bit wherry of him at first, because he wanted to protect his mama from getting hurt again. Sad that my son felt like it was his responsibility, he's a great boy. My second son would flinch every time my boyfriend reached for something, or made a sudden movement. This was the day I took it upon myself to really open up to him, will have to wait until my children fall asleep. Wondering why my second son acted skittish when ever he moved, sneezed, or reached his hand out towards them. My poor little boy was always being hurt by his father just as I always were. He was falling for me as I was falling for him, once I opened up to all that's been going on, we've became even closer. I told him about my past already, we've never talked about it in person until this day. It was the hardest thing for me to even do but did it with a lot of tears. That was the first time he had promised to never hurt me or my children. I believed him. it was now time to check in, everyone was so tired but still had so much energy, tired energy. The hotel gave us a lot of extra blanket and pillow, we had a king size bed, toothbrushes and soaps enough for all of us, etc. They couldn't give us any extra beds because they were already taken by other guests. We've bought more and more snacks and drinks just incase my children got hungry. Watching movie after movie until one by one they fell asleep. My second oldest, when in a new and unfamiliar surrounding he will not fall asleep easily. You'll have to lay down with him until he fell asleep, same with my little girl but she was still being breast fed. Once she was full, off to dream land she went. When all of them were asleep, my boyfriend and I were thinking to fool around. Sure we've tried but didn't succeed, think I was making too much noise which woke my second oldest up. Or unless he was never really asleep. We've decided to go to sleep ourselves, holding my in his arms, kissing me ever softly, I thanked him for doing this for us, it's the best thing we've ever done. "You're welcome babe, you and your children deserve the best," he said to me. Having such a perfect man, a real man, had a job, been with his company for so many years, took care of his responsibilities, and never worried about the "what if's," "what ever happens happens, we will deal with it as they come our way, so don't worry about a thing," he told me. I felt safe and secure with him, and know my little ones felt the same way as well. He held me in his arms all night long, no one has held me like that before, such a great feeling. As the morning arrived, we were getting things picked up so we could check out and head back into town. Since we were not prepared for staying the night we had nothing to pack, made things easy on everyone. He wanted to drive around for a while before taking us home, so we ended driving to Tahoe. Driving around, doing some site seeing, the houses are amazing in some areas. After we were done horsing around, we were finally heading back into town. We did go out to eat, Mc Donald's breakfast, can't really go wrong there, and all of my little one's wanted happy meals. They love their happy meals, whenever I had extra cash one me that's where I would take them, with only buying myself a drink since that's all I had enough for. That didn't bother me, I was only doing this for them so I can see their cute little smiles. My boyfriend was treating us like royalty, you are probably wondering is I questioned his intentions, why is he so nice, what's his deal, correct? Trust me, there was not a day when I was not wondering these same questions myself. It's just his personality, he knew how to show compassion, respect, and love for others. Heading back to my aunts home, she came out and gave each of us hugs then asked if we had fun. She chatted a bit with my boyfriend too, trying to get to know him a little better. She was glad we were safe and made it home safely too. He hung out with us for a few hours, drank some beers, ate , then he went home. WinCo had called me for an interview, they wanted me to come in on Friday at 11:00 am for an interview. Oh my, things were starting to look up for us! Told my aunt about my interview and the time, she was excited for me. She even went out to buy a new outfit just so I look nice for Friday, the clothes I had were from this Salvation Army, with a voucher you can get for outfits for free, plus two pair of shoes. That's were I would always get my clothes from, same for my children. For children, they get ten outfits, two pair of shoes, plus two toys and three books. It was a pretty cool place. I had no money to buy us new clothes, so I had to find resources. As long as I didn't show that I cared about going to these places for free clothes my children didn't care either. Before moving in with my aunt, we would hit up the soup kitchens to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, when our food stamps were used up. I figured out ways to make sure my little ones were well fed and clothed, my babies are my everything. With the outfit my aunt bought me plus new make up and shoes, it made me feel even more excited about getting this job. With her telling me that I need to stop worrying so much, that I got this, and to not worry about babysitting either. I didn't share my news with my boyfriend just yet, wanted to wait to see if I get hired first then share the good news. Later that afternoon their father sends me a message asking to see the kids, once again wanting to meet up at their school. I told him sure we can meet on Friday when they get out, he said "cool thank you for letting me see my kids finally don't know why you're trying to keep them from me." I knew what he was trying to do, set me up cause he knew what he had said was bullshit. I simply ignored it and saved the message as always. I've gone through the share of not having my real father growing up, he played the same exact games as my second husband. "hey let's go do this, we are going to have so much fun, I will be there by 1pm to pick you and your brothers up so be ready," those were the words from my real father. Remembering that pain and heartache because he never showed up...my two brothers and I had our stuff packed and excited to go spend a week with him too. Yet, he never showed up, So, I know how my little ones were feeling, nervous of being alone with him and that question playing in their minds, "will he show up this time?" Friday morning came around the corner, yet my aunt was not home. I called her asking if she'll be home to take me to my interview, she never called me back and didn't come back home until later that evening. I lost my chance of getting hired, yes of course I called letting the human resource know the situation, she told me that they will have to pass me up then, they needed someone reliable. I was so upset but then told myself to let it go and that something better will come along. Got to stay positive, I haven't mentioned this to anyone, felt it was pointless. My ex husband shows up at their school fifteen minutes after they were out, they were scared to leave with him, I was too but couldn't show it. He kept asking for me to hang out with them too for a little while, said I look great and that he misses me, then he said that he knows I am missing him too. Ha, not at all, I was not missing him one bit. I turned down his request and told him to take care of our children and make sure they brush their teeth well. He laughed and told me to stop acting so crazy, to stop being so dramatic, "you know you want to climb in bed with me so stop acting up," he kept telling me. I ignored him and gave my children big hugs and kisses then told them I'll pick them up Sunday morning. My poor boys didn't want to let me go, I wanted to cry but couldn't, not in front of them. I started walking away, and he was already texting me, "I miss your ass, you could lose some weight though so work on that, you really are psycho." Whenever we were to meet up at the school I made sure to go the long way back to my aunts home. Just so he wouldn't know where she lives. With his insane messages, not once have I replied back, you would think he would take the hint but he never did. Had to pump enough for him to feed our daughter which I told him to mix half formula and half breast milk. Told him that in person and in a text message the first time he said that we would meet up at their school. Figured that if he couldn't remember that then that's on him, our oldest knew what I do with her milk so I know he would explain it to his father. He kept calling and calling, not leaving a message then text messages one after the other. Goes from him apologizing for the comments earlier, to disturbing messages regarding what he will do to make sure I don't fully move on, to the things he wanted to do to me because he's missing my body. I've finally told him to stop, said that if it's not regarding our children then there is no reason to call or text me. He then went really crazy, talking to my aunt about the things he's saying, she was blown away. Her idea was for me to let my boyfriend know what's going on and that I'm turning my phone off for the rest of the day. I then let him know that he is more than welcome to stop by to see me and hang out, as my aunt told me to say. My boyfriend ended coming over after he got off work, to make sure I was all right, he stayed for a a couple hours just chatting away with me. Told me that he will come pick me up on Saturday to take me out, I was so excited. After he went back home, I stayed up with my aunt talking away until we were ready for bed. My boyfriend and I were texting all through the night until he fell asleep. I laid awake, worrying about my children was weighing heavily on my chest, said a little prayer and then whispered "sweet dreams my babies," as if they could here me.

To be continued...

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