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My Strength Is Beyond Me Part 2

I need to make a correction to Part 1, I worked for Peppermill from 7am to 3pm, 5 to 6 days a week, with my second job (Atlantis) my hours were from 9pm to 5am 5 days per week. Was I overwhelmed and exhausted you might wonder? You damn right I was, yet had to keep going for the sake of my children since the man of the house refused to lift a finger to help out. I can actually count on my fingers how many times he made dinner, he would not be able to count the times I've done that. I was always the one doing all the house work, providing, and caring for our children. My first husband was this same way too, he mainly helped his parents with the remodeling of his mom and dads home (we lived with his parents, and his married younger sister), and worked on his Cadillac. The men never were seen cooking in the kitchen, cleaning of any sort. The only difference in both of my two long term relationships were that my first husband never laid a hand on me, he never thought about doing a paternity test twice on our daughter because he felt our child was not his, and he never forced me to pawn off all of my jewelry and electronics because he felt that I didn't deserve to have such nice things, and I never had to get a restraining order on him due to domestic violence. Those are the only differences.

In addition to my second husband, he never left me alone...no matter how hard I tried he always knew what I was up too and where I was located. Not sure how he did that, I remember the second from the last night we were together he mentioned to me while he was drunk that his girlfriends and friends are always watching my every move to let him know what I'm up too. He'd send me all of these crazy text messages, which I saved each and every one of his messages just in case I needed proof that he was harassing me. A lot of the messages were "if you can't find a place for my kids then you will lose all rights to them because you are unfit to care for them, I have places my kids and I could live and you don't, just like I made you lose your daughter I can do the same for mine that I had with your crazy deadbeat ass. You are so stupid, you are never going to be able to get away from me, slaves were owned by their masters why do you think the slaves had white men names, because they were property! When the man marries a women as I have said before you've gone insane, she has to take his last name because he owns her, that's how God created it, no wonder why your daughters family won't let you see or talk to your daughter, because you're psycho!" Then it went back too, "look, I love you, you're always going to be mine, let me be the man I'm supposed to be, my dad was never there for me so give me a chance with my kids," "Come to my hotel room, I'll make it up to you, you know you want to hop on me, you can't resist my dick." This is just some of the things he would say through texting, he flooded my cell phone with so many messages daily, I had to turn my phone off at night so I could sleep. I had no security, no matter what I was scared to death about anything I was doing. Going to appointments, grocery shopping, taking my children out to eat what I could afford it, parks, etc. I was always uncomfortable being out in public. It was difficult to no show that I was worried about us coming across him, didn't want my children to have to worry about a thing. One day, my boys and I were playing soccer, my daughter was in her stroller under a shade tree resting. We never drifted too far from her, when I ended kicking the soccer ball into a tree I went to retrieve it. Climbing trees were my thing growing up yet not when I became a parent for some reason. As I was heading to get the ball down my oldest boy yelled for me to come down, my soon to be ex husband was trying to take off with our daughter. Yelling that I'm a crazy ass nut job and wanted everyone nearby to know that. Our boys were screaming for help to get their sister (our daughter) back to me. I ran as fast as I could, finally caught up with him...he told me that he will give her back to me if I gave it up to him. "No matter what you will always be mine, you still have my last name, even if you change it you will always be my property!" Such a sick ignorant person he was, and still is to this day. More of ignorant than anything now. I told him to "F off and leave us be, to allow me to move on." He couldn't do that, he had all that control and power over me to make me fear him everyday of my life, and then when I left him he became powerless. Filing for divorce on my own, had to sign a waver for the cost to be free, I was only on the states insurance at this time, had no extra funds to pay for a lawyer. It became a long process to file for the divorce, it was as if I was placed at the bottom of the cases because I had no money. It was stressful, just wanted to be free of him for good.

I ended getting this job from a temp agency, it was for a cleanup crew to help with the remodeling of the Grand Sierra Theater. The work was hard work yet I have to admit that I loved every bit of it, A group on 20 women were sent over to help clean up after the construction workers, one after another the women were quitting. So this agency sent over 20 more women, and once again they were quitting. I stayed, not because I had too, well I kind of did have to stay because it was convenient income, getting paid everyday made it worth it. Yet so did the hard work, had to pull up the old carpets, scrape floors, help knock down walls...this was my first experience using a sledgehammer too. They're so heavy to use, with all this built up anger and emotions towards everything that my children and I had to go through, trust me I succeeded. My best friend was the mob and yellow mop bucket, Lol. For some reason, I loved dragging this around when I was called to do some mopping. Kept it clean, and put away nice and neat too. Odd, lol. Anyway, The manager of the construction crew loved my ambition, loved that no matter what I kept going and never gave up. Out of 40 different women, I was the only one to remain, so the manger of his crew called the agency to send over 20 men and to give me a pay raise as well. Went from getting paid $8.15 an hour to $11.75 an hour, and I was in charge of the 20 men. I laughed when this manager told me that, me being in charge of men? Crazy, right? I couldn't believe it myself. While I was working here, a friend of mine would babysit for me, I paid her in food and necessities as she requested. Once a week, my soon to be ex husband watched them, when I was helping with moving rocks I saw him with our children riding on the city bus. Noticed him going in circles too, every other hour or so there he was again, sitting in the back of the bus with our children. Still keeping an eye on me. Getting this butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach, I knew he was nearby, made me feel uneasy every time. Playing it off, I continued with my job, the manager of the Grand Sierra Casino Resort always came to check on the progress of the Theater. He loved the progress that was made. One day the manger of the construction crew introduced the manager of the casino to me and told him how great of a worker I am. The manger of the casino wanted to train me on using the forklifts, now that was so much fun. For some reason the construction crew were shorthanded on being forklift certified and the only one whom was able to certify you was the manager of this casino. Everyday, he would pull me away from my work to train me on driving the lifts, I was so nervous yet very excited about doing this. It took less than a month for me to be certified too, everyday when I had permission, I would practice using the lifts. I've never felt this thrilled in my life, or should I say in years! My second husband was slowly leaving me alone, didn't interrupt my job or none of that for a little while. Things were starting to look up... My children and I were staying in the rundown hotel, it was over $200.00 per week too, okay okay it was a shithole hotel. Definitely was not worth how much I was paying for, but it was a shelter for my children, two beds, kitchenette, with a decent size bathroom. It was right next doo to a convenient store where I would stop in every morning to grab 2 energy drinks and 3 bananas. The bananas were my breakfast, my lunch, and the third one was for my dinner. I was on food stamps only during this time, the cash assistance ran out. Since I was on welfare since 2005, the state took me off the cash assistance and left food stamps active. Heck, it helped out still, made sure my children has more than enough to fill their belly's while I didn't eat much because it felt like I was taking food away from them. So, bananas were the only thing I would eat. Before heading to the GSR, I would stop in the Jackson's store. There was this guy working, he was always behind the registers barley making any eye contact with customers. For some reason I was captivated by him and had to get to know more about him. He made me so shy too, that's beyond my personality, never been shy in my life so this was a new feeling. I was drawn to him, so twice a day morning before walking to work and before heading back into the motel I stopped in the store. 7 months have gone by, from the time that my children and I have left the unsafe environment to the time I met and had a crush on this associate. Realizing that he only worked during the days and was always gone before 5pm. walking from the motel to GSR, then from GSR to the temp agency, from the temp agency to Walmart to cash my check, then walked from Walmart to the motel. All were miles apart, I rarely paid bus fare because I wanted to save every dime I had to maintain a roof over my children's head. Worked from January to mid July at this site, again I loved it. Believe I notice this associate in May, not entirely sure though. In June some time, he was ringing my stuff up, then he looked right at me and smiled, with the words he had said to me were, "have a great day," my heart melted. So excited, ended calling up my dad saying "dad he made eye contact!" My dad laughed and didn't know what to say but "congratulations for the eye contact." Lol. I have been talking to my mom and dad about this guy at this store, but was keeping focused on taking care of my little family. Rushing into another relationship was not on my mind, but what was it about this man that I had to know more about? Why was he always running through the thoughts in my mind, what was it? His voice, I couldn't get out of my head. Had to figure it out, so I ended applying for a job at this convenient store, my idea was so I could get to know more about this man. Grabbing an application, taking it with me to fill out while working still with the remodeling of the GSR. I didn't want to put the address down because I was embarrassed about it. Felt that by writing the zip code would be more than enough. Turned it in, had these butterflies in my stomach, not the uneasy feeling, this time it was excitement. A couple days have passed and then a random number showed up across the screen of my phone. Not answering because I wasn't sure if it was my ex or what, but it wasn't him. The person who left the voicemail was a familiar voice, it was the guy I was crushing on. Why was he the one calling me? I wondered. Calling the number back, had an interview set up for the following Monday late morning. Overjoyed I felt, could wait! For the first time, I had to call into work, letting them know that I had an appointment that morning and wouldn't be able to come to work until that afternoon. Surprisingly, both managers of the GSR and construction crew were not bothered by my call in they were very understanding. The manager of the construction crew told me that he may need for me later to finished cleaning up. Which yes of course I didn't mind doing that, it was work and I was enjoying my job. On my application, I wrote down open availability, hoping for a later shift so it wouldn't interfere with my temp job. I ended forgetting my EBT card at his store, he went out after me calling my name, I was mortified, now he knew where my children and I were living. I wanted to cry too. My crush wasn't going to be into me know because of this. He still had this smile, aw his smile is amazing! He handed the card back too me and our hands slowly touch. "Well played," I thought. The day of the interview arrived, I was completely nervous, wondering what to wear, if I should put on makeup, how should I style my hair, and what shoes should I put on, only having 2 pair of shoes, work shoes as a matter of fact. Both were covered in sheetrock dust, having to clean the best looking pair on up to so I don't look so bad. Finally I was ready to go, Walked up to the counter letting the 2 associates know that I'm here for an interview. One went to get their manager to notify him that I was here, there he was...The many I had this crush on is the one who was going to interview me, my heart dropped to the floor. It was an "aw crap" kind of moment. "he's the freakin' manager?" I asked myself. Thinking, well this is not going to work but will still take to job if offered to me, managers are not allowed to date associates within their store, it's against policy. See, I never knew he was the manager, always wearing a different name tag but the one he wore the most was the name Charles. I thought that was his name, and yet it was not. During the interview, he was asking the questions to get to know me as a worker. Noticing he couldn't make eye contact with me, and every time I responded to the questions his face would turn red. He kept blushing every time I spoke to him. My nervousness was slowly fading away now that I knew he was attracted to me as well. " Making him laugh during this interview process, me being me trying to break the ice between us. It was working, he started joking with me too, his smile, I absolutely loved his smile. I kept asking if I got the job, he laughed and said that we still have a lot of questions to complete, he was trying so hard not to answer that question. As we were finishing up, he asked if I were going to be okay working the night shift, with open availability yes I could make it work. Yeah, I got the job, still he told me that he will contact me in a couple of days to let me know for sure. Then he wrote down his number, not to his store but his personal number. Never have I even had a manger give me their own cell phone number, I didn't know what to think really, but flattered. 4 days went by, finally he calls me to let me know that I'm hired. "Oh my gosh really, I was worried that I didn't get the job, thank you thank you so much," I told him. My parents were in town, my dad really wanted to meet the man I kept talking about, so he did. My dad went to buy himself a soda and my crush rang him up, my dad came back to their hotel and told me that he's a good looking fellow. I laughed and said I know, but he's the manager at that location so nothing could happen. My dad told me that there is always a way for us to become something if we want it to happen, maybe he will have you work at a different location, you never know. He just may get creative, he told me. This location happened to be right next door to my rundown motel, it was convenient, and would never have an issue showing up to work late. How could I? His store was right next door. He (my crush) asked me to come up to fill out the new employee paperwork, I told him that I had no one to watch the kids for me and if was okay for them to come with me while I do this. He didn't mind, I could have asked my parents to babysit but they just got into town and didn't want to do that to them. It was last minute too. I wore this yellow dress, my three little ones were all excited to see where I'm going to be working. He took all of us to his office, he gave my children stickers to play with while we were going over my paperwork. Him and I were flirting big time too, it was sweet. Remembering how I kept asking him if he was attracted to me, he blushed and told me that he was but can't act on it until he figures something else out. After the paperwork was finished, we talked for a little while longer about random topics. He mentioned how well behaved my children were and that they did a great job putting stickers all over his office, orange circle stickers that he used for his store. He asked if he can chat with me later, "yes I hope you will," I told him. Minutes after leaving his store he sent me a message, "you look beautiful in that dress, can't wait to hear from you tonight." I couldn't stop smiling and kept reading his massage, I told him thank you and will let him know when we go back to the motel. My children and I went to meet back up with my parents ordered pizza and then we went to Circus Circus to play some games. My children were having such a great time too. My mom and I went to this bar and bought 2 margarita's, this bartender made them perfectly too. They were strong yet delicious! My mom couldn't finish hers so I drank it up, we were pretty buzzed and were having a blast. My dad was walking around with us, my baby girl feel asleep in her stroller, my boys were all over my mom and dad. Seeing their little smiles warmed my heart, love seeing my babies being happy and not having a care in the world. Unfortunately my parents only stayed for a few days, my mom did take us out to do some shopping, she bought all kinds of clothes, necessities, and even gave me some money to help out. She knew I was trying to hang in there, she knew I was doing the best I could at that point in time, she knew how ashamed I felt for being in that situation too. My children and I bounced from place to place, and I hated doing that too them. Changing schools, they had to make new friends, it was hard on them too. For being able to stay at this motel for a long while, they were secure and so was I. Then my temporary job ended, waiting for a paycheck from Jacksons was not going to make it in time to pay the rent. I've only worked with this company for 2 days, had to leave this job and I hated myself for having to quit. Due to the person whom was babysitting for me, thought she was a trustworthy friend too. My boys didn't want to go back to her place anymore, when I asked them why that was, I couldn't believe what they had told me. "She makes us call her mom, and if we don't we have to sit in the corner facing the wall until we do, she said that you are not our real mom, you're helping her out because she can't take care of us, that is why we stay the night with you." I was pissed! I told the manager (my crush) that I no longer can work for him because of a personal situation going on and needs to be handled right away, I then apologized right after. I felt horrible for having to do that, but family is more important. He was calling me and texting me, I knew he was pissed for me quitting. It was understandable. After taking care of this personal matter, I let him know the truth about what happened, and he was so understanding. Never have I met someone as sweet and understanding as him. I now have been left to find work once again and babysitting. Daycares are so expensive, they were then and they still are now. Not being able to have enough to cover the rent for the weekly stay, I had no idea what I was going to do, had to think fast before we were kicked out. I was broken hearted, disappointed with myself, and pissed off at myself. Had only 3 more days to figure something out, donating plasma was not enough either. Him and I were talking for hours on end he wanted to know more about me, so I told him my whole story. Asking him if he's sure about hearing all about me, he was ready to listen. I told him everything, about my kids, about being married, about what I'm going through now. He then told me about his past as well. When he asked me about when my last time was with a guy, I was honest about that, I had a friends with benefit thing going on in January and ended because he was becoming attached. The agreement was that if in a relationship, we will not ask for sex with one another, we will not become attached whatsoever, we were only to be friends with benefits. His response was, "damn, January?" So then I asked him the same question he asked me, it took him about 20 minutes to tell me, "it was about a month ago when I was last with a woman." I love how easy it was for him to be honest with me, both relationships I've been in were nothing like this. I was always left to figure the truth out on my own because they were not man enough and didn't know how to be honest. I could tell he was embarrassed about having a friends with benefits thing going on a month before we made us official. It happens, and we're humans, we all have needs. Him and I were becoming closer and closer each day we've talked. Still, my children and I would stop in his store to say hello, he would walk us out and then sneak a kiss each time. Suddenly, time was running out, I had nothing left to pawn off for money, I had nothing. Asking for help is not always an easy thing to do, my mom helped so much and couldn't keep doing that to her. She would send money without me asking her to do that. I've reached a low point...wrote out this text to my crush, then deleted it, then wrote it out again. Going back and forth on this, guilt was taking over me...I sent him the message. Tossed my phone onto the floor crying, calling myself a lame ass for asking someone I barley even know for help. He'll never speak to me ever again, and I was hating the thought of that. How could I have asked this man that I liked for money? The thought of my soon to be ex husband finding out about not being able to find a safe place for my children and I, or finding a way to come up with more than enough money was weighing on me. His threats to take them away from me were constantly playing in my head. Suddenly, he responded, "how much does it cost for 2 weeks?" My mind was blown, when I told him how much it was going to cost, he came over within a half hour. Still feeling guilty for asking him for money, I didn't want to do that to him at all. I was so thankful for him doing this for us. He asked me why I thought about asking him for help, and I simply said "because I feel like I can fully trust you and you wouldn't judge me." Him and I ended making out while sitting in his car, my youngest was in the front seat with us which she was distracted with a pink sock monkey he gave her. I haven't had a kiss like that in a long time, my first husband stopped showing me affection after our daughter was born had sex once every 3 months, and my second stopped showing affection after being pregnant with our first son, he made sex feel dirty and cruel. Both had their women walk behind them when with them in public places, we were to be seen not heard. With my new relationship, he loved showing affection regardless of where were were, he even bought me roses, the first stuffed animal was a monkey. He loved opening doors for me, he knew how to love a respect his lady, he was not embarrassed to be seen with me, he was my dream come true really. After the 2 weeks at this motel, an aunt of mine invited my children to live with her and her husband. She said that she will help me look for work, babysit for me, and that she would help me get back on my feet. This was a huge relief! She had my boys in a room and my daughter and I slept in another, it was great! She even allowed me to use her car whenever I needed it. An elementary school was walking distance from her home, so no more public transportation needed.

My children had lots of toys to play with and a nice size front and back yard to burn all that beautiful energy of theirs. The only agreement what was made between my aunt and myself was to never let my ex husband know her address, she does not want him showing up at her home. It was completely understandable, I was not even thinking about letting him know where she lives. I did let him know the schools out boys were attending because he if their father and as a parent you have rights until proven otherwise. Determining the custody of our children has not yet been set. Making sure that I was doing everything the correct way to protect myself in the long run. Thinking everything was going well, they were for a little while, yeah well I thought wrong...


To be continued...

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